Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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