I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
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