im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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