Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The feeling are messing with the penis
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
