i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
And then you asked me why my legs were so thick and started measuring them with a ruler
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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