it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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