I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
