what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Can vaginas get frostbite?
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
