Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
