Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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