dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
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