if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
everyone is single if you try hard enough
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
I lost the right to judge tonight
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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