You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
