If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
Randomize
