I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Randomize
