I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
Randomize
