My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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