you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
You took a bar mat shot.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Randomize
