He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Randomize
