Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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