Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I feel like a drive thru vagina
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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