I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
