Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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