My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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