sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
