My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Did I tell you I drunk fucked my one roommate last week
Uh no
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