OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
My boob is missing a layer of skin
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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