apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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