She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
