Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
Apparently you make a good broom.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Randomize
