I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
