I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
I made out with the hosts' boyfriend, infront of her, drank way too much, slept in my car and convinced everyone that I'm really a nice person. If that's not skilled lying, I don't know what is.
Randomize
