I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I think that i just found proof that harry and ginny had sex
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
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