We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
