he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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