there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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