i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Randomize
