I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
