Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
You can't just leave with hair like that
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
Randomize
