I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
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