Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
