Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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