my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Five girls, one freshman pledge. We're like our own Make A Wish Foundation.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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