I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
