You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
