I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
We were destined to go to rehab together
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
Randomize
