She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
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