I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
no more duck duck goose at the bar
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
A bitchslap is in order.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
