New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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