it was like his penis was on wheels.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
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