Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
