I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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