I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
