You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
This drunk girl wants you to know that I do actually like you. I'm not just using you for sex. I think you're cool.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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