2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by
he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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