also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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