32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
