If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
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