Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Randomize